I read something today and it nearly made my heart pound out of my chest. Everything it contained was something you’d said to me in the past and it brought me back to that. I even thought for a moment that maybe you’d written it for me. Part of me really hoped that you did.

But I’m not naive. I know that you didn’t write it for me. I know that things are ruined between the two of us, but I still think about you every day. I wonder how you’re doing and I wish I could ask. I wish that you were just getting close to me now instead of at this time last year. You met me when I was a mess. But you fell in love with that mess and you showed me how kind and beautiful a human heart could be after I’d been convinced that I was unlovable. For so long, you saw me in a light that I’d always hoped I could someday see myself in. I think that one of the biggest regrets I will ever have is putting that light out. I’m sorry for that.

Being close to you was something entirely new and different and wonderful and terrifying all at once. I don’t think that I ever felt good enough for you. And it wasn’t your fault. I didn’t feel good enough for anyone at that point in my life. I fell in love with you so quickly and I wasn’t ready. It really, really scared me. So I ruined it. I loved you and I ruined everything out of fear. Repeatedly. It sounds so outrageously stupid when I put it into text, and really, it is outrageously stupid.

I wanted to protect you. Instead, you needed to be protected from me. And I am so incredibly sorry for that. When I think about your cheeks, your lips, your warm heart, your eyes staring back at me all of those mornings in my bed, my heart breaks a little bit. When I think about that night when we’d first seen each other after you got back from being gone for only one night and we kissed for the first time in what felt like forever, my heart sinks. I told you that you were my muse, and I still write about you a lot.

I miss you so much. I told you once that my biggest worry was that you would forget about me, and that may already be true, but I will never forget about you. I will never forget the way that your lips felt against mine, I will never forget the home I found in your arms, and I will never forget the way my heart skipped every time you walked into the room. I will never forget the first day I met you and I will never forget the last day I saw you. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. And I never do.

“We carry these messages, as heavy as they may be…they hold us like anchors, drowning at sea…”

I am learning to understand rather than immediately judge or to be judged. I cannot blindly follow the crowd and accept their approach. I will not allow myself to indulge in the usual manipulating game of role creation. Fortunately for me, my self-knowledge has transcended that and I have come to understand that life is best to be lived and not to be conceptualized. I am happy because I am growing daily and I am honestly not knowing where the limit lies. To be certain, every day there can be a revelation or a new discovery. I treasure the memory of the past misfortunes. It has added more to my bank of fortitude.

*credit given to wherever it may be deserved